Where have the days..

Where have those days gone..
The days where I used to care so much more about things that were so much bigger than me.
I feel like life has replaced the sentiment of "Oh, I'm doing pretty good!" with "I'm..uh..okay..."

God-focused isn't even a question anymore. I know I'm losing it. So often, and ashamedly, God-un-focused.

It felt progressive -- just a gradual swallow into a state of intensely shameful neglect on my part of who God is to me.
Many, many things have happened in order to produce this lowered state of being, but I can't tell if this is growing up or growing (m)old. I guess what I mean by that is, am I growing in understanding about the world -- becoming a less naive Christian and a more exposed and experienced Christian -- or am I just losing it -- like being leached by some parasitic chytrid fungus...
Maybe it's a combination of both. But I hate this. I don't want to become the "Christian" that I see and say to myself, "Please don't let the public see you and think you exemplify what it means to know Jesus."
And my whole thought process on the idea of faith is so enigmatic at the moment.. I've been trying to do an exegetical study of the Bible -- which btw has been one of the toughest studies in my life to grasp -- to reach a true understanding of the truth of what I believe is God's Word. But exegesis is IMPOSSIBLE. How do I presume, a human whose brain works by branching synaptic connections, that I can assess the Thing cold-turkey?

However, as I sit here and vent (when I should be finishing my research paper), I can't help but feel tired. I want to be where I was -- but how much of what I lived before was utterly wrong? My emotion-filled, child-like love for Christ...

And yet, as I write this, I feel like that's what I'm missing. Balance is so hard when your priorities are not weighted correctly.
I feel like this is the decade of my life where I'm supposed to take charge, fight hard, not let down, not give up or give in, not shut up until I've made something of myself. But what about God... isn't He supposed to be the Equation that grants any success I have? I try hard to achieve -- and end up feeling like a mess. When I waste time, I become furious with how I am -- and when I do well, my whole world is turned right-side up. So often I let the results of a test define how God is towards me.
I gotta believe that this is wrong.
God, fix me, please.

I'm Sorry, (intro)

I've been a major poo poo head.
I haven't been able to get much time to myself and a computer while down in the DR,
and, just, unfortunately haven't been able to update all the wonderful people who support me and pray for this trip.


I'm not sure,
Maybe I'm thinking wrong -- but I don't feel different when I come down here, I guess.
So many times we're hearing that, "We're doing the work of God," but...
it just makes me think, you know?
Does the work of God exist only when you enter a different country?


Like I said, I'm not sure if I'm right -- and never to discount the importance of overseas missions -- but shouldn't God's work exist in every little piece of our lives?
I guess I just wonder why we decide to say it only when we go overseas.
As I see it, everybody at home, going to their jobs, representing Christ, being an ambassador and spreading Him...
I mean... aren't they doing the work of God?


But please let me change the subject, and just briefly share with you about what's been going on -- and how God's been working in the DR and in the lives of the kids that came down here.

So far, we've been visiting villages, spreading news of a festival we'll be holding on Wednesday night, and inviting people and their children. We've also been taking surveys to assess their level of poverty -- to best know how we an serve them -- and we've often been using it as an icebreaker to share Jesus with them!
It's been awesome, and such a blessing to see: those that come to a freeing, loving, servitude of Christ (and please pray for them to be genuine in their decisions!), elderly women who've confessed to have faith for 40 years, and understanding that that's her only key into His courts, and also experiencing so many searchers of truth.
It's awesome to know that so many people take it seriously, how they listen to you, and ask questions at the instance it hits them that He is BIG. And the decision is BIG.
Of course there are those hardened hearts, but we experience them at home as well, and we just have to be faithful in prayer for them (definitely easier said than done).


On another encouraging note, I've been so excited to see our kids step out of their comfort zones and just Spread.
To be completely honest, I love seeing the impact on the DR. The kids of the DR. So many that have one meal a day... But one of the greatest joys I experience on this trip is seeing the impact it has on our kids.
I mean, the kids of the Rock Student Ministries!
I can't express what a blessing it is -- I know I've grown in my faith, coming to experience something like the DR -- and I'm just so honestly, indubitably, exceedingly, other-words-with-ly excited to see what God has planned for them, in their growth, in their lives -- what changes for Christ will be born in them and through them.

-a bond slave of Christ