Where have those days gone..
The days where I used to care so much more about things that were so much bigger than me.
I feel like life has replaced the sentiment of "Oh, I'm doing pretty good!" with "I'm..uh..okay..."
God-focused isn't even a question anymore. I know I'm losing it. So often, and ashamedly, God-un-focused.
It felt progressive -- just a gradual swallow into a state of intensely shameful neglect on my part of who God is to me.
Many, many things have happened in order to produce this lowered state of being, but I can't tell if this is growing up or growing (m)old. I guess what I mean by that is, am I growing in understanding about the world -- becoming a less naive Christian and a more exposed and experienced Christian -- or am I just losing it -- like being leached by some parasitic chytrid fungus...
Maybe it's a combination of both. But I hate this. I don't want to become the "Christian" that I see and say to myself, "Please don't let the public see you and think you exemplify what it means to know Jesus."
And my whole thought process on the idea of faith is so enigmatic at the moment.. I've been trying to do an exegetical study of the Bible -- which btw has been one of the toughest studies in my life to grasp -- to reach a true understanding of the truth of what I believe is God's Word. But exegesis is IMPOSSIBLE. How do I presume, a human whose brain works by branching synaptic connections, that I can assess the Thing cold-turkey?
However, as I sit here and vent (when I should be finishing my research paper), I can't help but feel tired. I want to be where I was -- but how much of what I lived before was utterly wrong? My emotion-filled, child-like love for Christ...
And yet, as I write this, I feel like that's what I'm missing. Balance is so hard when your priorities are not weighted correctly.
I feel like this is the decade of my life where I'm supposed to take charge, fight hard, not let down, not give up or give in, not shut up until I've made something of myself. But what about God... isn't He supposed to be the Equation that grants any success I have? I try hard to achieve -- and end up feeling like a mess. When I waste time, I become furious with how I am -- and when I do well, my whole world is turned right-side up. So often I let the results of a test define how God is towards me.
I gotta believe that this is wrong.
God, fix me, please.
